Tsaiberspace

Winning a Super Bowl requires dedication, teamwork, and 110% from every player involved. We are speaking, of course, about the Newcastle Brown, 2007 champions of the Armchair Generalz Fantasy Football League, and winner of the coveted El Guapo trophy (nice job, Commissioner!):

El Guapo stats:

• Height: 5½”
• Weight: ½ lb.
• Base: marble
• Noggin: bobble

The secrets to success this year:

• Key double-up-combo big weeks of Big Ben to Hines Ward.
• A big-play go-big-or-go-home San Diego Chargers defense.
• Reliable TDs from Chris Cooley in our peculiar TE-favoring scoring system.
• T.J. Houshmanzadeh.

Busts this year:

• Frank Gore.
• Ronnie Brown and the ineffective Jesse Chatman handcuff.

But that’s not all. Winning El Guapo was only half the battle. Bringing El Guapo home required Sisyphusian effort as well. The trophy was sent to my home address (ask me for my work address next year, please), which resulted in a “We Deliver For You!” slip left at the door and a 5-day delay to wait for the weekend to get a chance to go to the post office for pickup.

I’m sure that the USPS, FedEx, DHL, UPS, Airborne Express, etc., all have similar hub systems where packages go to some processing center before final delivery to its final destination. There ought to be a way for recipients to somehow register with these delivery services so that:

• I register with USPS or FedEx or UPS or whomever.
• If someone sends me a package, the delivery service sends me an e-mail telling me something is coming my way.
• I go to their website or something and provide instructions on what to do: continue delivery, deliver to alternate address (e.g., my office, where I am every day), or hold because I’m on vacation for three weeks and won’t be around.
• Everybody wins: the recipient doesn’t have to make a pickup run, the delivery service doesn’t have to make a wasted delivery run, and the planet wins because of less wasted gas and traffic.